Lord Feverstone's Commentary

Musings of a Christian monarchist on life, government, society, theology, etc.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

On My Experiences with Bullying

Bullying started in earnest for me in the sixth grade and lasted even into my first college experience.

Before High School, I remember getting slammed into the locker on a few occasions and being stabbed in the back of my head with a pencil. I do not remember much else except gratuitous verbal harassment.

In High School, the bullying dissipated somewhat. It mainly consisted of verbal harassment.

When I was staying in a dorm at the first college I attended (which happened to be a Christian college), I was not beaten except for a head-butting incident. I also received my fill of verbal harassment there.

One night while I was staying up to type a term paper and another smaller paper, I remember someone might have had a book I would find useful as a source. Perhaps I should have chosen to inquire of someone else, because not long after I entered the room there was a brief verbal exchange about who knows what between me and the perpetrator of the aforementioned head-butting incident who did not even live in that room to begin with. Within a moment, he had me pinned to the side of the bed with his legs over my shoulders. He eventually let me up about two hours later, but he would not let me escape. Finally, the RA for that floor opened the door and I was free to leave. After I returned to my room, it took me about half of an hour to get back to work. Thankfully, I still had time enough to finish those papers before they were due.

My bullying experience was not confined to school; I also experienced a particularly unpleasant incident of it at a fast-food establishment in which I once was employed. One particularly disagreeable fellow was reading something on the wall and I either asked him a question or made a statement to him; I do not remember what I said, but I am sure it did not warrant his response, which involved grabbing me by the wrists and slamming me against the wall behind me. He then proceeded to throw me into a wall and other objects. Whenever I rose again, he would immediately grab me and throw me again. Since this area we were in was in the back, it was out of view of others. After a few minutes of this, a female manager and then another employee finally came back to investigate; consequently, this disagreeable fellow stopped throwing me around. When I was in the office, the manager asked me if I was alright; I had a few bruises but nothing more to show for it.

The bullying coupled with the anger it provoked in me eventually led to leaving that college. The school officials thought I "needed help" because they did not think I was sleeping or eating enough and that I played too many computer games, etc. My grades were quite good; I had a 3.82/4.0 GPA and had some great scholarships. Nevertheless, I spent my Spring Break of 2001 in the psychiatric wing of a hospital feeling deeply bitter and betrayed. I did not really find out what my parents were told until after the fact. I ended up being diagnosed with a "delusional disorder" while I was there; I certainly did not imagine what happened to me then or in the past. From my hospital room, I gazed out onto the world and proclaimed I was saner than a great deal of the "normal" people going about their business. This was a crushing blow far worse than any I had sustained from the hands of a bully. I was deceived by my parents and by the school; I was led to believe they wanted me to take a break from school for the rest of the semester. It turns out the school officials thought I was "dangerous" and that they did not know what I would do if I discovered the truth. What poppycock! If I was so bloody dangerous, the bullies certainly did not appear afraid of me. To top it off, I was anorexic for a while. I hardly weighed little more at the time I left the school than the lowest weight I was able to attain. I had always been quite a weakling. On my diet, I lost much of the very little strength I had. I was too weak to be realistically considered "dangerous."

Once my parents discovered more of the truth of what really happened, they regretted the part they played and concluded the school did me wrong. The situation could have been handled differently and a more satisfactory conclusion could have been reached.

Why was I bullied? I can only offer a few hypotheses. Some undoubtedly found my manner of speech to be exceedingly formal and hence peculiar to their ears. Some undoubtedly concluded my interests such as chess (I played over 100 informal games in High School and won every time excepting a couple of games where I made a careless mistake), reading, writing, etc. to be atypical for a school-age lad. Some undoubtedly found me to be an easy target since I was (and still am) so weak; they understandably had no reason to fear attacking or provoking me. Indeed, I have more hypotheses, but these shall suffice for now.

After this business was over, I considered two years of my life to be completely wasted. I started to pursue my current major in Spring of 2002. Since my previous coursework was quite different than the current coursework, it was like I started over again. I came to hate school more than ever before, but I still excelled. I have maintained a perfect GPA since then; I have received my share of academic honours and recognition, but I find it all to be quite empty, insignificant.

I wish those two years of disgrace, failure and pain never happened. Likewise, I wish the related incidents throughout many years of my life never happened. I wish my life proceeded differently. The end result, after 25 years of living, is this pointless, thoroughly displeasing existence.

8 Comments:

Blogger Rich Bansha said...

This is a sad story indeed. I had similar experiences until I was in junior high. For the first year, I would get attacked and when I complained, it I who got suspended.

The second year was different. I discovered the premptive strike. One day during class, I decided to "get mine". I took a piece of 2X4 that just happened to be around and swung it with both hands from behind, at the side of the bully's head. He went to the floor bleeding and clutching his face. The male teacher next door was summoned immediately. I was disarmed and taken to the principal. Like I gave a damn! I stood there and blamed HIS miserable ass for the whole thing. If he had done something sooner, this would not have happened.

About a month later, I tackled another bully from behind, got him in a full nelson and tried to break his neck. Sent home again and nearly expelled. So what? From then on, teachers and kids thought me "disturbed and dangerous". IOW they left me alone from then on.

Since then I have made it clear to everyone I have bad relations with that they risk too much when they threaten me. I tell them, "No, I will never sue you. I will come at you from behind, knock you out with a ballpein hammer and cut off your nose and lips. Then I will castrate you. You won't live long enough for me to forget and you can't run far enough to get away."

I always use the whole threat at once. Just saying, "I'll kill you for it" sounds hollow. Using the whole speech sounds more like a plan. Try it next time.

R

11:01 PM  
Blogger Lord Feverstone said...

The main problem is I am not quite intimidating enough to give the speech credence. Attacking a bully results in the blame being placed squarely on me, whether it is fair or not. A bully can do as he pleases, and people will look the other way. When one reacts to the bullying, one becomes the focus of attention. All in all, it is a highly unsatisfactory situation.

I did strike back, but my strikes proved to be of no consequence.
When I was sufficiently provoked (this happened on a couple of occasions), I lunged for the throat, but, of course, I proved to be nothing more than a nuisance. The provoker was in both cases much stronger.

Another issue would be if the one I retaliated against would prove unamused by my efforts and proceed to hurt me.

2:53 AM  
Blogger KellyMac said...

Dude, consider martial arts. Seriously. It will help with your self-image, your confidence, your stance, and you'll be able to defend yourself. They'll leave you alone, and you be able to breathe again. I'm telling you as your friend. Try it.

3:47 AM  
Blogger Rich Bansha said...

I understand. I am not particularly intimidating either. What I have on my side is that my personal behavior is appalling. Nobody ever calls me on it because I am viewed as having a serious screw loose. People are more afraid of the insane than the thug.

One other thing, never "stand up" to a bully like the talk shows say. Get them when they are vulnerable and ALWAYS make sure you can do it with impunity. Last time I did it, I pushed him off of a third floor stairwell. He tried to hold on to the bannister but I kicked it loose from the wall and he fell anyway. He wasn't moving, but I was. When he got out of the hospital, he would be after me with a gun. So, I changed residence. Small price for being able to teach a lesson.

1:13 AM  
Blogger Reckless_the_Ronin said...

Rich bansha nails it. To quote Batman, "Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot." So are bullies. if you can make them think you're fucking nuts, then the majority of them will leave you alone. The proof of this is in the fact that these bullies are fucking with you (who they know they can beat) as opposed to some meaty Ken Shamrock or Goldberg looking dude. However, if word gets around that you might be off your rocker a bit, they won't be so eager to try to fuck with you. Bullies DO fear the insane more than the thug.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Lord Feverstone said...

> Rich bansha nails it. To quote Batman, "Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot." So are bullies. if you can make them think you're fucking nuts, then the majority of them will leave you alone.

I believe you. A guy I know once lived in Detroit; his mother still lives there as far as I know in a very rough section of town. She is not disturbed by the local thugs because of her mental instability.

> The proof of this is in the fact that these bullies are fucking with you (who they know they can beat) as opposed to some meaty Ken Shamrock or Goldberg looking dude.

That is quite understandable. If they have no moral objection to bullying, they will prey on those they think are the easiest targets.

> However, if word gets around that you might be off your rocker a bit, they won't be so eager to try to fuck with you. Bullies DO fear the insane more than the thug.

I am not particularly eager to act crazy in order to "frighten" potential bullies; I do not encounter real bullying today, and I am not worried about it rearing its ugly head anytime in the future.

I am not exactly sure what I would do if bullying became reality once more.

2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heyyy! guys beating the shit out of each other! that's what I call made solidarity!

4:41 PM  
Blogger Lord Feverstone said...

> heyyy! guys beating the shit out of each other! that's what I call made solidarity!

I take it you mean "male solidarity." You must be joking.

8:45 PM  

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